Sometimes I choose to change my life.

I've been thinking a lot about choices lately.

I know that we all have our agency and the right to decide how we live our lives, but sometimes, it's really hard to grasp that. For my whole life, I've been surrounded by stories of fate and destiny. The hero searches his whole life to find out where his future is supposed to lie, or the lowly stable girl finds out that her fate is far from the place from where she came. "Destiny" is a term that gets thrown around a lot--especially when it comes to love.

"It was love at first sight."
"She's my soul mate."
"I think I found the one."

The one. Putting a definite article in front of "one" implies that there is only one specific "one." I know this is confusing--stay with me, here. There is only one one. At least, that's how it is according to whoever "they" are. One person I'm supposed to find. Not only that, but he's supposed to love me, too. I'm his one, and he's my one. One. Amidst (approximately) 3.5 billion people (7/2=3.5), a man lies in wait to take me away from the miseries of single life. I didn't write my plan. I didn't choose my "one." So how am I supposed to know when he comes? How am I supposed to know unless I know how my life is going to turn out? How is marriage supposed to be comforting and exciting when all I can think about is how frightening the prospect of marrying the wrong person is?

Thinking about "the one" has always scared me. Obviously.

Sometimes, though, life events force you to change. Well, they forced me to change, anyway.

We do get to choose. There is no "right" answer. There may be a few wrong ones, but something I really believe is that we can create our own destinies. We were put on this earth with the power to choose, and that means that we get to make the choice. Now, I don't mean whatever choice you make will be the best one. I just mean that it's not mapped out on some divine level. The map of your future life hasn't been written yet. Yes, there may be some kind of general outline, but you get to decide the details. You get to decide what you want to have under your list of accomplishments and who you want to be standing next to you.

Don't worry about choosing wrong. Think about these three questions: 1) Does this choice make me happy? 2) Does this choice make me a better person? 3) Does this choice make me a better me?

If you answered yes to all of those questions, and you decide that you want it, let all of your worries go. The plan is for you to choose.

This weekend, I made a pretty serious decision. Well, me and another person. (I'm aware of the grammar mistake.)

There are so many reasons outside of us that make me think, somehow, it won't work. As a child from divorced parents, I'm well aware of the tragedies that befall families with disunity. For the longest time, I wanted so badly to want to be married, but that desire never really came. Yeah, I didn't want to be alone, but to be married? That's like asking for the pain and misery and heartache that comes with separation and betrayal. Everyone is human, and everyone has a chance to make a mistake, and sometimes that mistake is painful.

My choice wasn't that I was going to love and cherish him. I already did that. When he asked me to be his eternal companion, and I said yes, I made the choice to forgive and forget. Yes, I needed to forgive all of the people who contributed to my cynical views of marriage. But. I also needed to forgive him, and I needed to forgive me--not necessarily for the things we've done, but for the things we will do. People hurt each other. It happens. But it's what comes after the hurt that matters.

My choice was that I was going to love and cherish him even after I've been hurt. My choice was to wake up next to the same person everyday thinking, Today, I choose to be happy and love who you are.

My choice was to be willing to make a choice every day, knowing that I would need to make it every day.

And you know what? When it came down to it, the choice was easy. It didn't matter if he was the one. He is the one I chose, and, surprisingly, he chose me back.

He makes me laugh. 

He helps me look toward the future. 

He thinks about the things that I love. 

He kisses me as a physical manifestation of the affection he has for me. 

He lets me lean on him when I need a shoulder. 

He loves that I am passionate for something. 

He loves that I'm blunt and honest all the time. 

He lifts me up until I can't help but smile. 

He always wants to hold me. 

He loves me. 

Yeah, I made a good choice.
:)

cheers,
ka.

I'm not just an intern.

One of my very favorite movies is Finding Neverland. Not only does it have a phenomenal score and take a look at a writer of literature, but it also addresses some pretty complex human tendencies and emotions. I love basically the whole movie, but I especially love this scene:



In case you didn't watch it because you are living in the fast-paced, "ain't-nobody-got-time-for-dat" kind of world, here is the most important dialogue:

Peter Llewelyn Davies: This is absurd. It's just a dog.

J.M. Barrie: Just a dog? *Just*?

[to Porthos]

J.M. Barrie: Porthos, don't listen!

[to Peter]

J.M. Barrie: Porthos dreams of being a bear, and you want to shatter those dreams by saying he's *just* a dog? What a horrible candle-snuffing word. That's like saying, "He can't climb that mountain, he's just a man", or "That's not a diamond, it's just a rock." Just.

It's so easy to think that what you do doesn't matter. It's so easy to get caught in the trap of thinking that you're only one, small, insignificant person. In my particular situation, it's really easy think about myself as "just an intern." I saw this Calvin and Hobbes comic a few months ago, and I posted it as my wallpaper for a while because it impacted me so much: 

We spend so much of our lives looking for a reason to be. At least, I know I do. I worry so much about fulfilling everything that I'm meant to do. I want to be successful. I have dreams that I would like to see realized. I don't want to disappoint anyone, especially myself. I've grown up with everyone I know telling me that I have "great things" in store--I have so much "potential."

Sometimes, it's hard to think about that when I'm doing things like making copies and labeling files. Don't get me wrong, I love my job. (No, it's still not paid, don't remind me.) I love being around a busy environment that is centered around an honorable cause, but it's hard to think about where I fit in. Most of the time, I send emails and check facts and update Twitter or Facebook. I posted something on our Facebook page that got 22 shares, and my boss was like, "Wow, that's pretty cool, Kolbie!" and I'm sitting there thinking, it's just a Facebook status.

Just. Isn't it funny how we can watch movies like Finding Neverland and become so inspired, and then when the time comes in our own lives to recognize our worth, we don't remember what we learned? I feel like I'm so good at telling everyone else how great they are and how much they matter and that they'll do great things with their life, and then when it comes to the self-talk thing, I get sucked into lecturing myself. Kolbie, you could be doing so much better. Kolbie, you need to work harder. Kolbie, you're not doing anything important. Kolbie, you're just an intern, the executive director is never going to notice you. 

Yes, Mr. Barrie. Labeling something as a "just" diminishes its light, its potential. "Candlesnuffing" is exactly the right word. 

Any potential that we might have to light someone else's fire is immediately stifled as soon as we put a limit on ourselves. There is no cap on personal success. There is no restriction on happiness. There is no gate we cannot breach if only we dream and work and dream some more. If you still can't think that way, remember that there is some truth to the phrase "fake it 'til you make it." As for me, instead of thinking about how menial some of the tasks I'm given are, I think about them as the most important. I make sure every label is perfectly straight. I send emails in record time. I answer the phone less than a second after it rings and make sure that it never gets to ring a second time. Actually, in my office, I have been dubbed "the phone ninja" because none of the other interns can answer it as fast as I can. 

No, I'm not just an intern. I'm the intern. My candle no longer snuffed by all of the things I could be doing, I am free to dream again. People notice when you have high aspirations and excellent work habits. This week, I helped to edit and revise the Annual Report that my organization sends to their Board, donors, and future donors. One of my supervisors turned to me and said, "You know Kolbie, now you can put on your resume 'Annual Report Editor.' Pretty cool, right?" 

I'm significant. I do things that matter. I will do things that matter. Josh told me once that he thinks my talents lie in the fact that I work hard even if the work isn't recognized. And I'm ok with that. If I'm going to be an intern, I'm going to be the best intern they have ever seen. I just have to remember that I'm not just anything. I am me. I am Kolbie. I am bright, happy, intelligent, creative, ethical, busy, loved. I work hard, and I do have dreams. That's the difference between a "just" something and an "incredible" something. 

Pictures of the last few weeks will be up soon. This is simply a reflection of the life I'm leading right now. It's a pretty great adventure, thus far. I know that there is only more to come. 

cheers, 

ka. 

This is where my life begins.

In the last few months, I've had some pretty cool opportunities come up in my life. The biggest one, though, is currently two days away from happening. I applied for a summer internship in Washington, D.C. about a month and a half ago, and two weeks ago, I interviewed and was offered the position. I mean, it's not like I'm going to be a huge person within this organization, and I'm only there until the end of the summer. But. When I think about how my life is suddenly spiraling out of the safety and control and comfort that (mostly) accompanied my adolescence and into the unknown future of my adult life, the butterflies start to invade my stomach. Growing up is scary. Honestly, the scariest part is also the most comforting part: it happens in parts, and each part seems like the "real" beginning.

I was talking to my friend about this the other day. You know when you look up some really successful person on Wikipedia, like Bill Gates or Steve Carrell, and realize that they were once an ordinary person who had an ordinary childhood? (Well, for the most part.) Then, they get some chance opportunity--maybe an audition or a low-level job. They work, then meet the right people, and then BAM! They're famous. The key, though, is that they didn't just... get there. They worked and started. They were brave and tried new things. They took risks. They accepted the low-level, unpaid internships because they knew that they had to start somewhere. I am at that age where my "somewhere" is right now.

My future is one big mystery at this point, with a whole lot of maybes and possiblys. Maybe I will be a writer for a magazine. I could possibly find an editing job. I may go to grad school in England. I could live abroad for the rest of my life. Or I could live in Utah for the rest of my life. Only one thing is for sure, though: I am living in Washington, D.C. for the next two and a half months. I am interning for a non-profit organization. I am taking online classes so I can graduate next spring. I am doing things. The summers of lazy days and Gilmore Girls marathons seem to be over. Even though that brings a twinge of sadness and a lot of chaos to my previous life of predictability, the prospect of a new life wholly overrides any fears that creep their way into my psyche.

What if, in twenty years, someone looks up my name on Wikipedia and sees this beginning? What if this story is what inspires some other 20-year-old girl to make something of her life?

Or, what if it doesn't do any of that?

Either way, this is where my life begins. Lives are lived one day at a time, right? One step each day for the next (approximately) 80 days will lead to the end of an internship and hopefully to the beginning of something else. I'm going to live my life with a little bit of fear and a lot of determination so that, when I have lived all of it, I can look back and be proud.

On that note, here are some pictures of my first summer adventures in the East:

My new shoes for my internship. Don't you think they look professional?  :)

Last hurrah before I left Utah. We even got to meet the band! (That will actually be a separate post. Stay tuned.)

My sorely depleted collection of clothing in D.C. I only had one checked bag, one carry-on, and one backpack to pack for a whole summer. 

Again, my shoe collection is woefully small due to a very small amount of space. I'm very attached to my shoes, and I left some of my favorites behind in favor of more practical choices. 

This is my Metro station. My apartment complex is called Crystal Plaza. 

My first day there, I met up with some friends (Steve and Zach) to traverse Washington. That's the Capitol. Obviously. 

This is quite literally twenty minutes after the pictures in front of the Capitol. The rain came and there was nothing anyone could do for my poor bangs. 

Reunited at long last. :) He has been in D.C. since May 6th. We ate at Good Stuff Eatery for dinner--delicious hamburgers and shakes! 

This is at the American History Museum. I think it's very interesting that the Typewriter was the object that brought women into the workplace. I may write more about this later. 

Josh, Steve, Zach, and I went on a little road trip to Philly. This is the Liberty Bell. 

Naturally, we had to get a Philly Cheesesteak. 

Do you think he's hungry?

This is the final resting place of Mr. Benjamin Franklin. You have to pay to go inside the cemetery. Suffice it to say that we settled for peeking through the gate. 

This is the room where the first and second Continental Congresses took place. Our nation's history is so fascinating! 

Independence Hall. 

Josh is being funny haha. But that is General George Washington in front of Independence Hall. 

I feel like this doesn't need a caption. 

Here we are in front of Washington's Headquarters in Valley Forge. Valley Forge is BEAUTIFUL. I, unfortunately, forgot my Cannon at my apartment before we left, so I didn't get to take as great of pictures. 

If any of you have seen Top Gear (UK), Jeremy, Richard, and James found this little city on one of their tours of the East Coast. Believe it or not, it is in Amish country. Josh and I couldn't resist taking a picture and sending it to Mom. 

Again, I only had my phone, so this picture didn't turn out exactly like I wanted. But this is a beautiful sunset in Amish country. If you look closely, you can see a horse-drawn cart. He's plowing the field. We went to an Amish restaurant, and the food was pretty fantastic. 

I'm already having so many adventures. I love being abroad and experiencing new things. I want to soak in every kind of culture I can for several reasons. I obviously love to explore, but I also love to love. In order for me to love everyone, I feel like I should try to understand them. Traveling and looking for opportunities to learn and grow from other people seems the best way for me to do that. Hopefully, I will be able to travel more and more as my life takes more steps forward.

cheers,
ka.

I read a book: number one.

Here I am, fulfilling my resolutions a little bit at a time. I'm writing a blog post for this week, and I'm writing about the first book I read outside of school this year: Ella Minnow Pea, by Mark Dunn.

It's a rather quirky book about dictatorship societies and what would happen if we weren't allowed to use certain letters of the alphabet. The short answer: chaos, hardship, and a few laughs along the way. It's short, sweet, and to the point. Mark Dunn has my respect for such a clever read. Here's my favorite quote from the novel (when talking about the passionate chaos that is language):

"Words upon words, piled high, toppling over, thoughts popping, correspondence and conversation overflowing" 

I'm in a young adult literature class this semester, and we've been talking about the stages of literary appreciation this week. It's so interesting to look at a chart and have it explain everything about reading that you never knew you never knew (if that makes any sense). Basically, they break it down into ages and reasons for reading. Getting lost in a story, finding your identity, exploring the world, aesthetic appreciation... Reading can do so many amazing things for many different kinds of people. Reading fiction, especially, opens up a new perspective. There's just something about connecting with a character and following that character through times of trials and times of happiness that provides meaning in a way that non-fiction usually can't. For that reason, it makes me sad that this (http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/11/22/what-should-children-read/) is happening.

Read it. I'll talk about it a little later. Just remember: I'm studying to be an English teacher.

cheers,
ka.

These are my plans and dreams for 2013.

I have big plans for myself. I'm not entirely sure what they are, though.
You know, I guess I mostly just have big expectations. I want to be a certain kind of person.

I'm 20 years old--the beginning of the prime of my life. Now is the time to think about what I really want, and now is the time achieve whatever that is, one goal at a time.

1. Read 100 books (that I didn't have to read for school).
2. Run a total of 75 miles. 
3. Call my family at least twice a month. 
4. Learn Claire de Lune. 
5. Write in this blog once a week. 
6. Revamp my journal writing. 
7. Have (and document) an adventure. 
8. Save all my money for something really cool. 
9. Do one nice thing every day. 
10. Do an anonymous act of service that may require some sacrifice. 

Reasons why these are my plans and dreams: 

1. I love to read, and I love being the kind of person who loves to read. I've kind of lost that in recent years. However, as my education continues, I realize how important it is for me to keep reading for fun. I also want to cut back on the TV watching for relax time. It's killing my mind. 
2. Last year, I was actually really good at working out. My resolution was to go to the gym once a week for six months, and I think I achieved that. This year, I may not work out quite as often as I did (for a while there, I worked out like five times a week for two hours), but I want to make it a habit again. I also want to train to run bigger things in the future, like a half marathon. This isn't really a huge amount for 365 days, but I it'll get me started in the right direction. 
3. I'm so bad at calling people. It's terrible. I miss my family, though, and I want to be included in their lives when I'm not at home. 
4. I love this song, and I've always wanted to learn in on the piano. I love playing the piano, but I'm not as good as I would like to be. I've been practicing more recently, though, and it has improved my skills a bit. I'm giving myself a year to complete a big project song like that. I want to prove that I'm not the same teenager who refused to practice when she did take lessons. I can finish something. 
5. I just need a writing outlet. My journal is more personal stuff, but this is more what I'm thinking about the world. I know it's not likely to happen, but I do enjoy writing in a blog, and I want to try to keep up with it. 
6. I've been lax on this in the recent months. I love writing in my journal, and it's really been having an effect, actually. When I don't vent things or write things down, I forget them and let them build up. I need that place again. 
7. I want to try something very new. Whether that adventure is out of the country or just out of the city, I want it to happen. I want to be the kind of person who experiences new things. Now is the time that I can. 
8. Right now, my money is just sitting in my bank account. I almost forget that I have it, and then I go kind of stir crazy and splurge on one or two items of cheap clothing. I want to have a purpose. I want to have a goal. I want to have a reason to save money. It might be a car, or a trip, or a fancy dress, I don't know. I will provide an update on that. 
9. My aunt gave me a little planner entitled "The Good Turn Diary" based on a Christmas book. Looking for ways to serve someone brings good things in your own, as well as others. I think it'll help me to not be so stressed all the time. 
10. I'm religious, as you would know if you read my introductions page. Along the same lines as #9, I think that doing service brings blessings and creates a better me. I've had huge things and little things done for me. But I want to be prayerful and find one person who I could really help this year. I don't know who it is, but I want to be there for them, whether they know it or not. 

So those are my plans and dreams. I don't know which ones will come to fruition, but I will try my hardest to see all of them happen. This year is one step closer to whatever it is I'm supposed to do with my life. I want to make it a positive step.

cheers,

ka.