running out of things to say: Sometimes I choose to change my life.

I've been thinking a lot about choices lately.

I know that we all have our agency and the right to decide how we live our lives, but sometimes, it's really hard to grasp that. For my whole life, I've been surrounded by stories of fate and destiny. The hero searches his whole life to find out where his future is supposed to lie, or the lowly stable girl finds out that her fate is far from the place from where she came. "Destiny" is a term that gets thrown around a lot--especially when it comes to love.

"It was love at first sight."
"She's my soul mate."
"I think I found the one."

The one. Putting a definite article in front of "one" implies that there is only one specific "one." I know this is confusing--stay with me, here. There is only one one. At least, that's how it is according to whoever "they" are. One person I'm supposed to find. Not only that, but he's supposed to love me, too. I'm his one, and he's my one. One. Amidst (approximately) 3.5 billion people (7/2=3.5), a man lies in wait to take me away from the miseries of single life. I didn't write my plan. I didn't choose my "one." So how am I supposed to know when he comes? How am I supposed to know unless I know how my life is going to turn out? How is marriage supposed to be comforting and exciting when all I can think about is how frightening the prospect of marrying the wrong person is?

Thinking about "the one" has always scared me. Obviously.

Sometimes, though, life events force you to change. Well, they forced me to change, anyway.

We do get to choose. There is no "right" answer. There may be a few wrong ones, but something I really believe is that we can create our own destinies. We were put on this earth with the power to choose, and that means that we get to make the choice. Now, I don't mean whatever choice you make will be the best one. I just mean that it's not mapped out on some divine level. The map of your future life hasn't been written yet. Yes, there may be some kind of general outline, but you get to decide the details. You get to decide what you want to have under your list of accomplishments and who you want to be standing next to you.

Don't worry about choosing wrong. Think about these three questions: 1) Does this choice make me happy? 2) Does this choice make me a better person? 3) Does this choice make me a better me?

If you answered yes to all of those questions, and you decide that you want it, let all of your worries go. The plan is for you to choose.

This weekend, I made a pretty serious decision. Well, me and another person. (I'm aware of the grammar mistake.)

There are so many reasons outside of us that make me think, somehow, it won't work. As a child from divorced parents, I'm well aware of the tragedies that befall families with disunity. For the longest time, I wanted so badly to want to be married, but that desire never really came. Yeah, I didn't want to be alone, but to be married? That's like asking for the pain and misery and heartache that comes with separation and betrayal. Everyone is human, and everyone has a chance to make a mistake, and sometimes that mistake is painful.

My choice wasn't that I was going to love and cherish him. I already did that. When he asked me to be his eternal companion, and I said yes, I made the choice to forgive and forget. Yes, I needed to forgive all of the people who contributed to my cynical views of marriage. But. I also needed to forgive him, and I needed to forgive me--not necessarily for the things we've done, but for the things we will do. People hurt each other. It happens. But it's what comes after the hurt that matters.

My choice was that I was going to love and cherish him even after I've been hurt. My choice was to wake up next to the same person everyday thinking, Today, I choose to be happy and love who you are.

My choice was to be willing to make a choice every day, knowing that I would need to make it every day.

And you know what? When it came down to it, the choice was easy. It didn't matter if he was the one. He is the one I chose, and, surprisingly, he chose me back.