I'm not just an intern.

One of my very favorite movies is Finding Neverland. Not only does it have a phenomenal score and take a look at a writer of literature, but it also addresses some pretty complex human tendencies and emotions. I love basically the whole movie, but I especially love this scene:



In case you didn't watch it because you are living in the fast-paced, "ain't-nobody-got-time-for-dat" kind of world, here is the most important dialogue:

Peter Llewelyn Davies: This is absurd. It's just a dog.

J.M. Barrie: Just a dog? *Just*?

[to Porthos]

J.M. Barrie: Porthos, don't listen!

[to Peter]

J.M. Barrie: Porthos dreams of being a bear, and you want to shatter those dreams by saying he's *just* a dog? What a horrible candle-snuffing word. That's like saying, "He can't climb that mountain, he's just a man", or "That's not a diamond, it's just a rock." Just.

It's so easy to think that what you do doesn't matter. It's so easy to get caught in the trap of thinking that you're only one, small, insignificant person. In my particular situation, it's really easy think about myself as "just an intern." I saw this Calvin and Hobbes comic a few months ago, and I posted it as my wallpaper for a while because it impacted me so much: 

We spend so much of our lives looking for a reason to be. At least, I know I do. I worry so much about fulfilling everything that I'm meant to do. I want to be successful. I have dreams that I would like to see realized. I don't want to disappoint anyone, especially myself. I've grown up with everyone I know telling me that I have "great things" in store--I have so much "potential."

Sometimes, it's hard to think about that when I'm doing things like making copies and labeling files. Don't get me wrong, I love my job. (No, it's still not paid, don't remind me.) I love being around a busy environment that is centered around an honorable cause, but it's hard to think about where I fit in. Most of the time, I send emails and check facts and update Twitter or Facebook. I posted something on our Facebook page that got 22 shares, and my boss was like, "Wow, that's pretty cool, Kolbie!" and I'm sitting there thinking, it's just a Facebook status.

Just. Isn't it funny how we can watch movies like Finding Neverland and become so inspired, and then when the time comes in our own lives to recognize our worth, we don't remember what we learned? I feel like I'm so good at telling everyone else how great they are and how much they matter and that they'll do great things with their life, and then when it comes to the self-talk thing, I get sucked into lecturing myself. Kolbie, you could be doing so much better. Kolbie, you need to work harder. Kolbie, you're not doing anything important. Kolbie, you're just an intern, the executive director is never going to notice you. 

Yes, Mr. Barrie. Labeling something as a "just" diminishes its light, its potential. "Candlesnuffing" is exactly the right word. 

Any potential that we might have to light someone else's fire is immediately stifled as soon as we put a limit on ourselves. There is no cap on personal success. There is no restriction on happiness. There is no gate we cannot breach if only we dream and work and dream some more. If you still can't think that way, remember that there is some truth to the phrase "fake it 'til you make it." As for me, instead of thinking about how menial some of the tasks I'm given are, I think about them as the most important. I make sure every label is perfectly straight. I send emails in record time. I answer the phone less than a second after it rings and make sure that it never gets to ring a second time. Actually, in my office, I have been dubbed "the phone ninja" because none of the other interns can answer it as fast as I can. 

No, I'm not just an intern. I'm the intern. My candle no longer snuffed by all of the things I could be doing, I am free to dream again. People notice when you have high aspirations and excellent work habits. This week, I helped to edit and revise the Annual Report that my organization sends to their Board, donors, and future donors. One of my supervisors turned to me and said, "You know Kolbie, now you can put on your resume 'Annual Report Editor.' Pretty cool, right?" 

I'm significant. I do things that matter. I will do things that matter. Josh told me once that he thinks my talents lie in the fact that I work hard even if the work isn't recognized. And I'm ok with that. If I'm going to be an intern, I'm going to be the best intern they have ever seen. I just have to remember that I'm not just anything. I am me. I am Kolbie. I am bright, happy, intelligent, creative, ethical, busy, loved. I work hard, and I do have dreams. That's the difference between a "just" something and an "incredible" something. 

Pictures of the last few weeks will be up soon. This is simply a reflection of the life I'm leading right now. It's a pretty great adventure, thus far. I know that there is only more to come. 

cheers, 

ka. 

Hello, sunshine!

Why hello, warm weather. It's so nice to see you!

If you readers haven't been able to tell, my life has taken a busy turn.
The only way anyone would be able to tell is if they noticed that I haven't posted anything since February. If any of you readers are in that boat, thank you for reading my little corner of the Internet! I appreciate your readership and hope that you're still with me.

I'm a college student. Not only am I a college student, but also I'm an over-achieving college student. This semester, I bit off much more than I'm used to chewing. Thus, blogging made it to the lower-reaches of my priority list. I barely had time to eat, sleep, and stay sane in between all of the writing, reading, and attending class. Luckily, the semester is over. However, there is no rest for the wicked. I'm starting my three summer classes tomorrow. Only one of them is on the actual campus, and it only lasts a week. My other two are online, and they will last until August. There are other tentative plans in the works, but we'll cross those when my summer is a little more solidified.

Updates for those interested (in no particular order):

1. I changed my major from Education to Literary Studies. My minor is still political science. I'm still interested in education, but I honestly think that I would be able to do more on a larger scale by acting as a voice for education rather than a voice within the system. I still may go into teaching, but my goal is to be some sort of policy writer or other kind of writer. Perhaps I will become a blogger for real. We'll cross that bridge when school is over. Which leads me to the exciting news that...
2. I am 100% on track to graduate in Spring 2014. Seriously. And...
3. This is Josh:

He's my boyfriend, and he's pretty awesome. :)
He graduated with two bachelor's degrees (International Studies and Economics) on Saturday.

My life is pretty awesome right now. Regardless of how stressed I was during this last semester, I had some pretty fantastic things happen. I won scholarship money, I'm on track with some really cool research, I feel like I have a good reputation in my department, I'm going to graduate a full year earlier than I thought, I have potential opportunities to present and/or publish my research in the next year, and I have a pretty solid foundation for my thesis.

In the personal department, I'm just really happy. Sometimes, with heart-breaking decisions come blessings beyond compare, and that's what I'm experiencing right now. This boy helps my happiness. Sometimes we take cute pictures, and it only increases my affection.

Hello, success. 

Hello, confidence. 

Hello, healing. 

Hello, happiness. 

Hello, new life. 

Hello, sunshine. Thanks for illuminating my path. 

cheers,

ka.  

p.s. do you remember that guy who told me to have fun on a Friday night, the one from one of my political science classes who told me to slow down? He and Josh are one and the same. :) 

It's a good day.

Little victories:

1. I went to the gym. Only once, and only for a half hour, but I went. 
2. I went to my classes when I was sorely tempted to stay in bed. 
3. I didn't get mad when I could have. 
4. I read my scriptures every day this week, even if it was only a couple verses. 
5. I read a chapter and took a quiz online two days before I had to. 

I haven't had the best week. There has been a lot of stress at school, and sometimes I just don't know if I can handle it. However, I came across this picture:

No matter what, you can always find something wrong with your life. You can always choose to make it a bad day. But every day can be a good one. There are some things that you can't ignore, but right now is the time to make it a good day regardless. That's my philosophy for the semester. 

cheers, 

ka.