I'm not just an intern.

One of my very favorite movies is Finding Neverland. Not only does it have a phenomenal score and take a look at a writer of literature, but it also addresses some pretty complex human tendencies and emotions. I love basically the whole movie, but I especially love this scene:



In case you didn't watch it because you are living in the fast-paced, "ain't-nobody-got-time-for-dat" kind of world, here is the most important dialogue:

Peter Llewelyn Davies: This is absurd. It's just a dog.

J.M. Barrie: Just a dog? *Just*?

[to Porthos]

J.M. Barrie: Porthos, don't listen!

[to Peter]

J.M. Barrie: Porthos dreams of being a bear, and you want to shatter those dreams by saying he's *just* a dog? What a horrible candle-snuffing word. That's like saying, "He can't climb that mountain, he's just a man", or "That's not a diamond, it's just a rock." Just.

It's so easy to think that what you do doesn't matter. It's so easy to get caught in the trap of thinking that you're only one, small, insignificant person. In my particular situation, it's really easy think about myself as "just an intern." I saw this Calvin and Hobbes comic a few months ago, and I posted it as my wallpaper for a while because it impacted me so much: 

We spend so much of our lives looking for a reason to be. At least, I know I do. I worry so much about fulfilling everything that I'm meant to do. I want to be successful. I have dreams that I would like to see realized. I don't want to disappoint anyone, especially myself. I've grown up with everyone I know telling me that I have "great things" in store--I have so much "potential."

Sometimes, it's hard to think about that when I'm doing things like making copies and labeling files. Don't get me wrong, I love my job. (No, it's still not paid, don't remind me.) I love being around a busy environment that is centered around an honorable cause, but it's hard to think about where I fit in. Most of the time, I send emails and check facts and update Twitter or Facebook. I posted something on our Facebook page that got 22 shares, and my boss was like, "Wow, that's pretty cool, Kolbie!" and I'm sitting there thinking, it's just a Facebook status.

Just. Isn't it funny how we can watch movies like Finding Neverland and become so inspired, and then when the time comes in our own lives to recognize our worth, we don't remember what we learned? I feel like I'm so good at telling everyone else how great they are and how much they matter and that they'll do great things with their life, and then when it comes to the self-talk thing, I get sucked into lecturing myself. Kolbie, you could be doing so much better. Kolbie, you need to work harder. Kolbie, you're not doing anything important. Kolbie, you're just an intern, the executive director is never going to notice you. 

Yes, Mr. Barrie. Labeling something as a "just" diminishes its light, its potential. "Candlesnuffing" is exactly the right word. 

Any potential that we might have to light someone else's fire is immediately stifled as soon as we put a limit on ourselves. There is no cap on personal success. There is no restriction on happiness. There is no gate we cannot breach if only we dream and work and dream some more. If you still can't think that way, remember that there is some truth to the phrase "fake it 'til you make it." As for me, instead of thinking about how menial some of the tasks I'm given are, I think about them as the most important. I make sure every label is perfectly straight. I send emails in record time. I answer the phone less than a second after it rings and make sure that it never gets to ring a second time. Actually, in my office, I have been dubbed "the phone ninja" because none of the other interns can answer it as fast as I can. 

No, I'm not just an intern. I'm the intern. My candle no longer snuffed by all of the things I could be doing, I am free to dream again. People notice when you have high aspirations and excellent work habits. This week, I helped to edit and revise the Annual Report that my organization sends to their Board, donors, and future donors. One of my supervisors turned to me and said, "You know Kolbie, now you can put on your resume 'Annual Report Editor.' Pretty cool, right?" 

I'm significant. I do things that matter. I will do things that matter. Josh told me once that he thinks my talents lie in the fact that I work hard even if the work isn't recognized. And I'm ok with that. If I'm going to be an intern, I'm going to be the best intern they have ever seen. I just have to remember that I'm not just anything. I am me. I am Kolbie. I am bright, happy, intelligent, creative, ethical, busy, loved. I work hard, and I do have dreams. That's the difference between a "just" something and an "incredible" something. 

Pictures of the last few weeks will be up soon. This is simply a reflection of the life I'm leading right now. It's a pretty great adventure, thus far. I know that there is only more to come. 

cheers, 

ka. 

This is where my life begins.

In the last few months, I've had some pretty cool opportunities come up in my life. The biggest one, though, is currently two days away from happening. I applied for a summer internship in Washington, D.C. about a month and a half ago, and two weeks ago, I interviewed and was offered the position. I mean, it's not like I'm going to be a huge person within this organization, and I'm only there until the end of the summer. But. When I think about how my life is suddenly spiraling out of the safety and control and comfort that (mostly) accompanied my adolescence and into the unknown future of my adult life, the butterflies start to invade my stomach. Growing up is scary. Honestly, the scariest part is also the most comforting part: it happens in parts, and each part seems like the "real" beginning.

I was talking to my friend about this the other day. You know when you look up some really successful person on Wikipedia, like Bill Gates or Steve Carrell, and realize that they were once an ordinary person who had an ordinary childhood? (Well, for the most part.) Then, they get some chance opportunity--maybe an audition or a low-level job. They work, then meet the right people, and then BAM! They're famous. The key, though, is that they didn't just... get there. They worked and started. They were brave and tried new things. They took risks. They accepted the low-level, unpaid internships because they knew that they had to start somewhere. I am at that age where my "somewhere" is right now.

My future is one big mystery at this point, with a whole lot of maybes and possiblys. Maybe I will be a writer for a magazine. I could possibly find an editing job. I may go to grad school in England. I could live abroad for the rest of my life. Or I could live in Utah for the rest of my life. Only one thing is for sure, though: I am living in Washington, D.C. for the next two and a half months. I am interning for a non-profit organization. I am taking online classes so I can graduate next spring. I am doing things. The summers of lazy days and Gilmore Girls marathons seem to be over. Even though that brings a twinge of sadness and a lot of chaos to my previous life of predictability, the prospect of a new life wholly overrides any fears that creep their way into my psyche.

What if, in twenty years, someone looks up my name on Wikipedia and sees this beginning? What if this story is what inspires some other 20-year-old girl to make something of her life?

Or, what if it doesn't do any of that?

Either way, this is where my life begins. Lives are lived one day at a time, right? One step each day for the next (approximately) 80 days will lead to the end of an internship and hopefully to the beginning of something else. I'm going to live my life with a little bit of fear and a lot of determination so that, when I have lived all of it, I can look back and be proud.

On that note, here are some pictures of my first summer adventures in the East:

My new shoes for my internship. Don't you think they look professional?  :)

Last hurrah before I left Utah. We even got to meet the band! (That will actually be a separate post. Stay tuned.)

My sorely depleted collection of clothing in D.C. I only had one checked bag, one carry-on, and one backpack to pack for a whole summer. 

Again, my shoe collection is woefully small due to a very small amount of space. I'm very attached to my shoes, and I left some of my favorites behind in favor of more practical choices. 

This is my Metro station. My apartment complex is called Crystal Plaza. 

My first day there, I met up with some friends (Steve and Zach) to traverse Washington. That's the Capitol. Obviously. 

This is quite literally twenty minutes after the pictures in front of the Capitol. The rain came and there was nothing anyone could do for my poor bangs. 

Reunited at long last. :) He has been in D.C. since May 6th. We ate at Good Stuff Eatery for dinner--delicious hamburgers and shakes! 

This is at the American History Museum. I think it's very interesting that the Typewriter was the object that brought women into the workplace. I may write more about this later. 

Josh, Steve, Zach, and I went on a little road trip to Philly. This is the Liberty Bell. 

Naturally, we had to get a Philly Cheesesteak. 

Do you think he's hungry?

This is the final resting place of Mr. Benjamin Franklin. You have to pay to go inside the cemetery. Suffice it to say that we settled for peeking through the gate. 

This is the room where the first and second Continental Congresses took place. Our nation's history is so fascinating! 

Independence Hall. 

Josh is being funny haha. But that is General George Washington in front of Independence Hall. 

I feel like this doesn't need a caption. 

Here we are in front of Washington's Headquarters in Valley Forge. Valley Forge is BEAUTIFUL. I, unfortunately, forgot my Cannon at my apartment before we left, so I didn't get to take as great of pictures. 

If any of you have seen Top Gear (UK), Jeremy, Richard, and James found this little city on one of their tours of the East Coast. Believe it or not, it is in Amish country. Josh and I couldn't resist taking a picture and sending it to Mom. 

Again, I only had my phone, so this picture didn't turn out exactly like I wanted. But this is a beautiful sunset in Amish country. If you look closely, you can see a horse-drawn cart. He's plowing the field. We went to an Amish restaurant, and the food was pretty fantastic. 

I'm already having so many adventures. I love being abroad and experiencing new things. I want to soak in every kind of culture I can for several reasons. I obviously love to explore, but I also love to love. In order for me to love everyone, I feel like I should try to understand them. Traveling and looking for opportunities to learn and grow from other people seems the best way for me to do that. Hopefully, I will be able to travel more and more as my life takes more steps forward.

cheers,
ka.