Sometimes, my music is for me.

All of my life, I've been told that my musical ability was given to me so that I could uplift other people. I, apparently, have a special talent that will bring other people closer to wherever they need to be. That's a pretty hefty responsibility. At least, it is for me.

However, for me, music isn't just for other people. I mean, yeah. I like making other people feel good. But sometimes, my music is for me. 

A few weeks ago, I was very stressed out. Like, VERY stressed out. I honestly don't even remember why (I probably had tons of homework or something), but I do remember feeling like I was going to explode. I was sitting on my bed, staring at my computer, and I swear I was gonna pass out because I was so worried about whatever it was. 

However, no matter how much homework I thought I had, my gaze kept veering back to the keyboard against my wall. But I don't have time for the piano right now, my mind would tell my inner yearning. You have so much to do. Just a second ago you felt like you were going to explode from all of the stuff-worry. Remember? This is where it gets a little crazy because this is where my inner yearning starts fighting with my mind. (Since it's a different voice, I shall make it a different color.) (In fact, let's just make this a fun little dialogue.) 

M: No piano for you. 

IY: But... it's calling to me. 

M: No. Kolbie, you have so much stuff to do. If you sit down on that stool, you will not get up again for another half hour. That's a half hour you could have spent sleeping. Sleeping. 

IY: What if this is a prompting? What if playing the piano will help me right now? 

M: That makes no sense. 

IY: Of course it makes no sense, I'm not the one who gives myself spiritual promptings. It's not supposed to make sense. 

M: ALL THINGS MUST BE RATIONAL. LOGIC WILL RULE  EVERYTHING. 

IY: Now, now, let's not be too neoclassical... 

And that's where I must stop myself because I'm venturing into Literary Land, where all of my vocabulary from my classes seep into my everyday conversation. 

Let me just get to it: I ended up at my keyboard. And even though I knew I didn't have time, even though my mind was urging me to stop, I knew that it was right. Playing... anything on the piano helps me to unwind and focus. That night in particular, I was given understanding about something I didn't even know that needed understanding. It was a real blessing to mess around on the keyboard. 

This post isn't meant to be about my experience on the piano. It is, however, meant to tell you to take some time for you, whoever you are. I know that it's hard to break away from all of the work and stress and deadlines and drama and everything else in-between that makes up every moment of our lives. Believe me, I know. But you need to. You need to take the time to play your music. I need to take the time to play my music. 

My music is for other people, yes. But I think that I was really given this talent for me. God knew that at times in my life, the only time I was really gonna feel close to him was through a song of the heart. 

ka.