Sometimes I choose to change my life.

I've been thinking a lot about choices lately.

I know that we all have our agency and the right to decide how we live our lives, but sometimes, it's really hard to grasp that. For my whole life, I've been surrounded by stories of fate and destiny. The hero searches his whole life to find out where his future is supposed to lie, or the lowly stable girl finds out that her fate is far from the place from where she came. "Destiny" is a term that gets thrown around a lot--especially when it comes to love.

"It was love at first sight."
"She's my soul mate."
"I think I found the one."

The one. Putting a definite article in front of "one" implies that there is only one specific "one." I know this is confusing--stay with me, here. There is only one one. At least, that's how it is according to whoever "they" are. One person I'm supposed to find. Not only that, but he's supposed to love me, too. I'm his one, and he's my one. One. Amidst (approximately) 3.5 billion people (7/2=3.5), a man lies in wait to take me away from the miseries of single life. I didn't write my plan. I didn't choose my "one." So how am I supposed to know when he comes? How am I supposed to know unless I know how my life is going to turn out? How is marriage supposed to be comforting and exciting when all I can think about is how frightening the prospect of marrying the wrong person is?

Thinking about "the one" has always scared me. Obviously.

Sometimes, though, life events force you to change. Well, they forced me to change, anyway.

We do get to choose. There is no "right" answer. There may be a few wrong ones, but something I really believe is that we can create our own destinies. We were put on this earth with the power to choose, and that means that we get to make the choice. Now, I don't mean whatever choice you make will be the best one. I just mean that it's not mapped out on some divine level. The map of your future life hasn't been written yet. Yes, there may be some kind of general outline, but you get to decide the details. You get to decide what you want to have under your list of accomplishments and who you want to be standing next to you.

Don't worry about choosing wrong. Think about these three questions: 1) Does this choice make me happy? 2) Does this choice make me a better person? 3) Does this choice make me a better me?

If you answered yes to all of those questions, and you decide that you want it, let all of your worries go. The plan is for you to choose.

This weekend, I made a pretty serious decision. Well, me and another person. (I'm aware of the grammar mistake.)

There are so many reasons outside of us that make me think, somehow, it won't work. As a child from divorced parents, I'm well aware of the tragedies that befall families with disunity. For the longest time, I wanted so badly to want to be married, but that desire never really came. Yeah, I didn't want to be alone, but to be married? That's like asking for the pain and misery and heartache that comes with separation and betrayal. Everyone is human, and everyone has a chance to make a mistake, and sometimes that mistake is painful.

My choice wasn't that I was going to love and cherish him. I already did that. When he asked me to be his eternal companion, and I said yes, I made the choice to forgive and forget. Yes, I needed to forgive all of the people who contributed to my cynical views of marriage. But. I also needed to forgive him, and I needed to forgive me--not necessarily for the things we've done, but for the things we will do. People hurt each other. It happens. But it's what comes after the hurt that matters.

My choice was that I was going to love and cherish him even after I've been hurt. My choice was to wake up next to the same person everyday thinking, Today, I choose to be happy and love who you are.

My choice was to be willing to make a choice every day, knowing that I would need to make it every day.

And you know what? When it came down to it, the choice was easy. It didn't matter if he was the one. He is the one I chose, and, surprisingly, he chose me back.

He makes me laugh. 

He helps me look toward the future. 

He thinks about the things that I love. 

He kisses me as a physical manifestation of the affection he has for me. 

He lets me lean on him when I need a shoulder. 

He loves that I am passionate for something. 

He loves that I'm blunt and honest all the time. 

He lifts me up until I can't help but smile. 

He always wants to hold me. 

He loves me. 

Yeah, I made a good choice.
:)

cheers,
ka.

I'm not just an intern.

One of my very favorite movies is Finding Neverland. Not only does it have a phenomenal score and take a look at a writer of literature, but it also addresses some pretty complex human tendencies and emotions. I love basically the whole movie, but I especially love this scene:



In case you didn't watch it because you are living in the fast-paced, "ain't-nobody-got-time-for-dat" kind of world, here is the most important dialogue:

Peter Llewelyn Davies: This is absurd. It's just a dog.

J.M. Barrie: Just a dog? *Just*?

[to Porthos]

J.M. Barrie: Porthos, don't listen!

[to Peter]

J.M. Barrie: Porthos dreams of being a bear, and you want to shatter those dreams by saying he's *just* a dog? What a horrible candle-snuffing word. That's like saying, "He can't climb that mountain, he's just a man", or "That's not a diamond, it's just a rock." Just.

It's so easy to think that what you do doesn't matter. It's so easy to get caught in the trap of thinking that you're only one, small, insignificant person. In my particular situation, it's really easy think about myself as "just an intern." I saw this Calvin and Hobbes comic a few months ago, and I posted it as my wallpaper for a while because it impacted me so much: 

We spend so much of our lives looking for a reason to be. At least, I know I do. I worry so much about fulfilling everything that I'm meant to do. I want to be successful. I have dreams that I would like to see realized. I don't want to disappoint anyone, especially myself. I've grown up with everyone I know telling me that I have "great things" in store--I have so much "potential."

Sometimes, it's hard to think about that when I'm doing things like making copies and labeling files. Don't get me wrong, I love my job. (No, it's still not paid, don't remind me.) I love being around a busy environment that is centered around an honorable cause, but it's hard to think about where I fit in. Most of the time, I send emails and check facts and update Twitter or Facebook. I posted something on our Facebook page that got 22 shares, and my boss was like, "Wow, that's pretty cool, Kolbie!" and I'm sitting there thinking, it's just a Facebook status.

Just. Isn't it funny how we can watch movies like Finding Neverland and become so inspired, and then when the time comes in our own lives to recognize our worth, we don't remember what we learned? I feel like I'm so good at telling everyone else how great they are and how much they matter and that they'll do great things with their life, and then when it comes to the self-talk thing, I get sucked into lecturing myself. Kolbie, you could be doing so much better. Kolbie, you need to work harder. Kolbie, you're not doing anything important. Kolbie, you're just an intern, the executive director is never going to notice you. 

Yes, Mr. Barrie. Labeling something as a "just" diminishes its light, its potential. "Candlesnuffing" is exactly the right word. 

Any potential that we might have to light someone else's fire is immediately stifled as soon as we put a limit on ourselves. There is no cap on personal success. There is no restriction on happiness. There is no gate we cannot breach if only we dream and work and dream some more. If you still can't think that way, remember that there is some truth to the phrase "fake it 'til you make it." As for me, instead of thinking about how menial some of the tasks I'm given are, I think about them as the most important. I make sure every label is perfectly straight. I send emails in record time. I answer the phone less than a second after it rings and make sure that it never gets to ring a second time. Actually, in my office, I have been dubbed "the phone ninja" because none of the other interns can answer it as fast as I can. 

No, I'm not just an intern. I'm the intern. My candle no longer snuffed by all of the things I could be doing, I am free to dream again. People notice when you have high aspirations and excellent work habits. This week, I helped to edit and revise the Annual Report that my organization sends to their Board, donors, and future donors. One of my supervisors turned to me and said, "You know Kolbie, now you can put on your resume 'Annual Report Editor.' Pretty cool, right?" 

I'm significant. I do things that matter. I will do things that matter. Josh told me once that he thinks my talents lie in the fact that I work hard even if the work isn't recognized. And I'm ok with that. If I'm going to be an intern, I'm going to be the best intern they have ever seen. I just have to remember that I'm not just anything. I am me. I am Kolbie. I am bright, happy, intelligent, creative, ethical, busy, loved. I work hard, and I do have dreams. That's the difference between a "just" something and an "incredible" something. 

Pictures of the last few weeks will be up soon. This is simply a reflection of the life I'm leading right now. It's a pretty great adventure, thus far. I know that there is only more to come. 

cheers, 

ka. 

This is where my life begins.

In the last few months, I've had some pretty cool opportunities come up in my life. The biggest one, though, is currently two days away from happening. I applied for a summer internship in Washington, D.C. about a month and a half ago, and two weeks ago, I interviewed and was offered the position. I mean, it's not like I'm going to be a huge person within this organization, and I'm only there until the end of the summer. But. When I think about how my life is suddenly spiraling out of the safety and control and comfort that (mostly) accompanied my adolescence and into the unknown future of my adult life, the butterflies start to invade my stomach. Growing up is scary. Honestly, the scariest part is also the most comforting part: it happens in parts, and each part seems like the "real" beginning.

I was talking to my friend about this the other day. You know when you look up some really successful person on Wikipedia, like Bill Gates or Steve Carrell, and realize that they were once an ordinary person who had an ordinary childhood? (Well, for the most part.) Then, they get some chance opportunity--maybe an audition or a low-level job. They work, then meet the right people, and then BAM! They're famous. The key, though, is that they didn't just... get there. They worked and started. They were brave and tried new things. They took risks. They accepted the low-level, unpaid internships because they knew that they had to start somewhere. I am at that age where my "somewhere" is right now.

My future is one big mystery at this point, with a whole lot of maybes and possiblys. Maybe I will be a writer for a magazine. I could possibly find an editing job. I may go to grad school in England. I could live abroad for the rest of my life. Or I could live in Utah for the rest of my life. Only one thing is for sure, though: I am living in Washington, D.C. for the next two and a half months. I am interning for a non-profit organization. I am taking online classes so I can graduate next spring. I am doing things. The summers of lazy days and Gilmore Girls marathons seem to be over. Even though that brings a twinge of sadness and a lot of chaos to my previous life of predictability, the prospect of a new life wholly overrides any fears that creep their way into my psyche.

What if, in twenty years, someone looks up my name on Wikipedia and sees this beginning? What if this story is what inspires some other 20-year-old girl to make something of her life?

Or, what if it doesn't do any of that?

Either way, this is where my life begins. Lives are lived one day at a time, right? One step each day for the next (approximately) 80 days will lead to the end of an internship and hopefully to the beginning of something else. I'm going to live my life with a little bit of fear and a lot of determination so that, when I have lived all of it, I can look back and be proud.

On that note, here are some pictures of my first summer adventures in the East:

My new shoes for my internship. Don't you think they look professional?  :)

Last hurrah before I left Utah. We even got to meet the band! (That will actually be a separate post. Stay tuned.)

My sorely depleted collection of clothing in D.C. I only had one checked bag, one carry-on, and one backpack to pack for a whole summer. 

Again, my shoe collection is woefully small due to a very small amount of space. I'm very attached to my shoes, and I left some of my favorites behind in favor of more practical choices. 

This is my Metro station. My apartment complex is called Crystal Plaza. 

My first day there, I met up with some friends (Steve and Zach) to traverse Washington. That's the Capitol. Obviously. 

This is quite literally twenty minutes after the pictures in front of the Capitol. The rain came and there was nothing anyone could do for my poor bangs. 

Reunited at long last. :) He has been in D.C. since May 6th. We ate at Good Stuff Eatery for dinner--delicious hamburgers and shakes! 

This is at the American History Museum. I think it's very interesting that the Typewriter was the object that brought women into the workplace. I may write more about this later. 

Josh, Steve, Zach, and I went on a little road trip to Philly. This is the Liberty Bell. 

Naturally, we had to get a Philly Cheesesteak. 

Do you think he's hungry?

This is the final resting place of Mr. Benjamin Franklin. You have to pay to go inside the cemetery. Suffice it to say that we settled for peeking through the gate. 

This is the room where the first and second Continental Congresses took place. Our nation's history is so fascinating! 

Independence Hall. 

Josh is being funny haha. But that is General George Washington in front of Independence Hall. 

I feel like this doesn't need a caption. 

Here we are in front of Washington's Headquarters in Valley Forge. Valley Forge is BEAUTIFUL. I, unfortunately, forgot my Cannon at my apartment before we left, so I didn't get to take as great of pictures. 

If any of you have seen Top Gear (UK), Jeremy, Richard, and James found this little city on one of their tours of the East Coast. Believe it or not, it is in Amish country. Josh and I couldn't resist taking a picture and sending it to Mom. 

Again, I only had my phone, so this picture didn't turn out exactly like I wanted. But this is a beautiful sunset in Amish country. If you look closely, you can see a horse-drawn cart. He's plowing the field. We went to an Amish restaurant, and the food was pretty fantastic. 

I'm already having so many adventures. I love being abroad and experiencing new things. I want to soak in every kind of culture I can for several reasons. I obviously love to explore, but I also love to love. In order for me to love everyone, I feel like I should try to understand them. Traveling and looking for opportunities to learn and grow from other people seems the best way for me to do that. Hopefully, I will be able to travel more and more as my life takes more steps forward.

cheers,
ka.

Hello, sunshine!

Why hello, warm weather. It's so nice to see you!

If you readers haven't been able to tell, my life has taken a busy turn.
The only way anyone would be able to tell is if they noticed that I haven't posted anything since February. If any of you readers are in that boat, thank you for reading my little corner of the Internet! I appreciate your readership and hope that you're still with me.

I'm a college student. Not only am I a college student, but also I'm an over-achieving college student. This semester, I bit off much more than I'm used to chewing. Thus, blogging made it to the lower-reaches of my priority list. I barely had time to eat, sleep, and stay sane in between all of the writing, reading, and attending class. Luckily, the semester is over. However, there is no rest for the wicked. I'm starting my three summer classes tomorrow. Only one of them is on the actual campus, and it only lasts a week. My other two are online, and they will last until August. There are other tentative plans in the works, but we'll cross those when my summer is a little more solidified.

Updates for those interested (in no particular order):

1. I changed my major from Education to Literary Studies. My minor is still political science. I'm still interested in education, but I honestly think that I would be able to do more on a larger scale by acting as a voice for education rather than a voice within the system. I still may go into teaching, but my goal is to be some sort of policy writer or other kind of writer. Perhaps I will become a blogger for real. We'll cross that bridge when school is over. Which leads me to the exciting news that...
2. I am 100% on track to graduate in Spring 2014. Seriously. And...
3. This is Josh:

He's my boyfriend, and he's pretty awesome. :)
He graduated with two bachelor's degrees (International Studies and Economics) on Saturday.

My life is pretty awesome right now. Regardless of how stressed I was during this last semester, I had some pretty fantastic things happen. I won scholarship money, I'm on track with some really cool research, I feel like I have a good reputation in my department, I'm going to graduate a full year earlier than I thought, I have potential opportunities to present and/or publish my research in the next year, and I have a pretty solid foundation for my thesis.

In the personal department, I'm just really happy. Sometimes, with heart-breaking decisions come blessings beyond compare, and that's what I'm experiencing right now. This boy helps my happiness. Sometimes we take cute pictures, and it only increases my affection.

Hello, success. 

Hello, confidence. 

Hello, healing. 

Hello, happiness. 

Hello, new life. 

Hello, sunshine. Thanks for illuminating my path. 

cheers,

ka.  

p.s. do you remember that guy who told me to have fun on a Friday night, the one from one of my political science classes who told me to slow down? He and Josh are one and the same. :) 

Slow it down.

It recently came to my attention that I have a tendency to race through life. Let's face it--I'm a worrier. I worry about school and family and friends and love and the weather and my health and undergraduate research and whether or not I'm good enough to get a grant and whether or not I'm going to be something in my college career and whether or not I'm reading enough and whether or not I watch too much TV and whether or not I'm in the right career path and...

You get the picture.

My biggest worry is that I am what I hate: a fraud. I do all these things, and people tell me that I work so hard, but sometimes I worry that I'm not working hard enough. I worry that I'm not smart enough to get all the praise that I do or to receive the grades that I do.

I know that I am not the only person out there who worries. You see, it's like a sickness that spreads through your mind and makes it impossible to slow down. I have to keep going, and when I don't, I feel incredibly guilty.

I was talking to a guy in one of my classes the other day. He was going to a free concert with some of his friends and wondered if I was gonna go, and I said that I had too much homework. Then he just laughed and told me that I should never be too busy to have some fun on a Friday night. However, I stayed home and did my Spanish homework (and watched Netflix).

Not too long after that, I found this picture:

In one of my political science classes, we talked a little bit about work hours and how they coincide with productivity. Amazingly, in countries like France, where people only work 35 hours a week, the productivity was the same as people in countries like Japan, where people work 80+ hours a week. What does that mean? It means that when you have a little fun, the work somehow is better as well.

I know that I work hard. I don't know if I work hard enough for my standards, but that shouldn't matter. When I die, do I want to look back on my life and think Man, I sure worked hard, or do I want to think Man, I made some good memories with my friends and family? I think it can be both. I like working hard--it makes me feel good. But I need to remember that working too hard and worrying too much will just make me rush through the life that I'm supposed to live.

Make time for work, make time for play. Believe me, you need both of them.

cheers,
ka.

Kindness has changed my life.

I'm pretty religious. I'm a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and I love it. In case you've never heard of my church, we are commonly referred to as "Mormons".

I mean, I've been raised a Mormon, so I don't know what it's like to be in any other religion. However, don't think for one second that I only stayed a Mormon because of my upbringing. I don't usually get too preachy on this blog, but I just feel so strongly about this. I'm not trying to convert you. I'm just being honest about my life. So, if you want to read about something good, then please read on.

Being alone is lonely. I know that's not exactly a new concept, but sometimes we forget that, I think. There is nothing that can get me down faster than being alone when I'm feeling lonely. Don't get me wrong, I like my alone time. I'm what they call an introvert. But being alone when I already feel lonely is.. well.. lonely. And hard. And heart-breaking.

There is one person who knows exactly how I feel always, and He doesn't live on earth. Well, His body doesn't. But He never lets me be alone, and that's one of the most important reasons why I fervently believe in Him. It's not a crutch, it's not a figment of my imagination or creativity, it's real. Somehow, whenever I feel like there's not possibly a way for my life to implode even further, it does. I feel like the realities I've set come crashing down. But He is always there to hold my hand. He is always there to envelope me with His love. And then, when I'm ready, He is there to help me pick up the pieces.

This song changed my life. Listen to it. Even if you don't believe, there is meaning in it. Bad things happen to everyone--that's life, man. But they only last a moment, and then there are people there to make you feel whole again.

"Though thine afflictions seem
At times too great to bear
I know thine every thought and every care
And though the very jaws of hell gape after thee
I am with thee
And with everlasting mercy will I succor thee
And with healing will I take thee 'neath my wings
Though the mountains shall depart
And the hills shall be removed
And the valleys shall be lost beneath the sea
Know my child
My kindness shall not depart from thee"



cheers,
ka.

It's a good day.

Little victories:

1. I went to the gym. Only once, and only for a half hour, but I went. 
2. I went to my classes when I was sorely tempted to stay in bed. 
3. I didn't get mad when I could have. 
4. I read my scriptures every day this week, even if it was only a couple verses. 
5. I read a chapter and took a quiz online two days before I had to. 

I haven't had the best week. There has been a lot of stress at school, and sometimes I just don't know if I can handle it. However, I came across this picture:

No matter what, you can always find something wrong with your life. You can always choose to make it a bad day. But every day can be a good one. There are some things that you can't ignore, but right now is the time to make it a good day regardless. That's my philosophy for the semester. 

cheers, 

ka. 

Little victories add up to big victories.

I'm in the process of becoming a better person.

Not that I'm a bad person. But, you know. Everyone can be better, and I definitely have my weaknesses. For example, I have this problem with procrastination, and I don't just mean doing homework before the night before. I usually wait until it's almost unacceptable to return a phone call (unless it's really important). I put off going to the gym until the evening hours. Whenever someone recommends a book to me, I usually wait like, weeks to read it. Sometimes I wait years, and then they feel bad because I didn't take the time to read it, and then I feel bad and embarrassed because they feel bad. (True story.) I just don't like doing what I'm supposed to. I don't even know what it is. I suppose I'm human, because I feel like I'm not even the least bit unique.

Anyway, I have flaws. I'm not doing the whole Franklin-road-to-perfection thing because that is obviously impossible. But I thought about how I can change, and I just wish I could be better already. I wish that the things I don't like about myself could just... disappear. Without a trace or a hope of coming back. Life, however, does not work like that. We have the take the hard way almost always.

So I know this. I'm aware that things take time, and changing habits takes a lot of time. Why, then, do I feel like I'm a failure when I don't do my homework a month before? Why is it that I think I'm a bad friend when I don't call my family once a week? Why do I feel awful when I don't update this blog everyday? Obviously, these questions are a setup, and I do indeed have an answer.

When we're trying to fix something about ourselves, all we can see are our flaws. We see the things we've done in the past that were so awful. Or we see the things we do now that continue our patterns. But, I'm telling you friends, you can change. You can turn in that homework a week before. It just takes time.

Instead of counting all of the ways in which I've failed at becoming a better person, I've decided to count all of the ways in which I am becoming a better person. I like to call them my little victories. For example, instead of being all down on the fact that I didn't finish my homework until three hours before it was due this weekend, I look at the fact that I started it a day before. True, I only read a few paragraphs of a 28 page article, but I didn't leave all of it for Monday night. And, today, right now in fact, I'm at the library in an attempt to write a rough draft two days before it's due. I may be writing this blog post instead, but I think you see where I'm going with this.

Five little victories for the week:

• I didn't buy that dress, even though it was 70% off. 
• I drank a whole bottle of my water bottle on a weekend day. (I hate water, by the way.)
• I smiled at someone I don't really like. 
• I packed a lunch and went to the library instead of taking a nap. 
• I didn't watch another episode of How I Met Your Mother and instead went to bed three full minutes before midnight. 

All of those things separately don't really amount to much. I mean, what's another 20 minutes of TV, right? By not watching that episode, it makes it easier to go a day without watching Netflix. Then, it's two days. Then, it's a week. Pretty soon, Netflix isn't even a temptation. Now, I know that habits come and go. I'm sure that there'll be plenty of times in my life when I spend too much or I watch much more TV than is healthy. And I certainly haven't had my last all-nighter when it comes to school. But by making little choices now, I've created a mindset for myself. All of those little victories may someday add up to a big, life-changing victory. Your little victories will add up to something that you can be proud of: a better you.

cheers,
ka.