Love can be stronger than momentary pain.

A strange thing happened when I decided to get married. All of the sudden, the things that I thought defined my life don't seem to matter nearly as much as the life I am going to build with him. 

He fills my heart. 

His love holds my attention so much so that even if I got a C in a class or upset one of my professors or bombed an interview, I know that I would be ok. More than ok--I would still be blissfully happy. 

photo courtesy of my big sister

Ok, cool. I've done it. I've made the decision that will get me through thick and thin. It doesn't matter what trial comes our way; as long as we're together, we'll make it. Right?

But what happens if the trial that comes our way is about us? What if the trial will be learning how to be happy without each other? Or, what if it's even harder than that? 

I know that this video is nine minutes long. But, seriously. If you have the time, please watch it. 

As I was watching their story, all I was thinking about was what I would do if I were in her position. If I'm being honest with myself, initially, I had no idea. None. The panic set in as the tears rolled down my cheeks, and I could feel my world theoretically crumble. I love him more than I thought I could love anyone. Would I love him enough to look past major life changes like that and marry him anyway? Your spouse is supposed to be your biggest support, the always-reliable shoulder to lean on, your soundboard for life's difficulties, big or small. An anchor that reminds you of who you are and who you want to be. 

As soon as I thought about that, Elder Jeffrey R. Holland's most recent talk, "Like a Broken Vessel," which he gave in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saint's annual General Conference, came into my mind. He spoke of trials in life, specifically for those who have mental and physical hardships. This is a quote that really stuck out to me: 

We are infinitely more than our limitations or our afflictions!

I realized that, even though Ian's and Larissa's trial is one of the most difficult I've ever seen, they are somehow still looking at their life as a blessing. When Larissa spoke about primary and secondary actions, she said that Ian couldn't give her the secondary ones, and that makes things hard. But he excels at the primary actions--loving her, loving God--and that makes it work. They mattered much more than anything he may be lacking right now.  

Why do we love people? Is it because of the things they do for us? Is it because of the words they say to us? Partly, yes. But I think it's so much more than that. When you truly love someone, when you can truly understand who they are and love them for it, all of the superficial stuff doesn't matter anymore. Christlike love isn't about noticing the way they look to other people; it's about remembering and focusing on their divine spirit, even when it's hard. When they can do the same thing for you, that's when they start to fill your heart. 

We are worth infinitely more than our limitations or our afflictions. The most Christlike attribute you can have is charity--the pure love of Christ. These limitations only last for our mortal lives, which, granted, seem like a LONG time, but they will eventually end. Then, when all is said and done and we are in eternity, the love is what remains. And we realize that the love is what filled us in the first place. 

ka. 

Sometimes I choose to change my life.

I've been thinking a lot about choices lately.

I know that we all have our agency and the right to decide how we live our lives, but sometimes, it's really hard to grasp that. For my whole life, I've been surrounded by stories of fate and destiny. The hero searches his whole life to find out where his future is supposed to lie, or the lowly stable girl finds out that her fate is far from the place from where she came. "Destiny" is a term that gets thrown around a lot--especially when it comes to love.

"It was love at first sight."
"She's my soul mate."
"I think I found the one."

The one. Putting a definite article in front of "one" implies that there is only one specific "one." I know this is confusing--stay with me, here. There is only one one. At least, that's how it is according to whoever "they" are. One person I'm supposed to find. Not only that, but he's supposed to love me, too. I'm his one, and he's my one. One. Amidst (approximately) 3.5 billion people (7/2=3.5), a man lies in wait to take me away from the miseries of single life. I didn't write my plan. I didn't choose my "one." So how am I supposed to know when he comes? How am I supposed to know unless I know how my life is going to turn out? How is marriage supposed to be comforting and exciting when all I can think about is how frightening the prospect of marrying the wrong person is?

Thinking about "the one" has always scared me. Obviously.

Sometimes, though, life events force you to change. Well, they forced me to change, anyway.

We do get to choose. There is no "right" answer. There may be a few wrong ones, but something I really believe is that we can create our own destinies. We were put on this earth with the power to choose, and that means that we get to make the choice. Now, I don't mean whatever choice you make will be the best one. I just mean that it's not mapped out on some divine level. The map of your future life hasn't been written yet. Yes, there may be some kind of general outline, but you get to decide the details. You get to decide what you want to have under your list of accomplishments and who you want to be standing next to you.

Don't worry about choosing wrong. Think about these three questions: 1) Does this choice make me happy? 2) Does this choice make me a better person? 3) Does this choice make me a better me?

If you answered yes to all of those questions, and you decide that you want it, let all of your worries go. The plan is for you to choose.

This weekend, I made a pretty serious decision. Well, me and another person. (I'm aware of the grammar mistake.)

There are so many reasons outside of us that make me think, somehow, it won't work. As a child from divorced parents, I'm well aware of the tragedies that befall families with disunity. For the longest time, I wanted so badly to want to be married, but that desire never really came. Yeah, I didn't want to be alone, but to be married? That's like asking for the pain and misery and heartache that comes with separation and betrayal. Everyone is human, and everyone has a chance to make a mistake, and sometimes that mistake is painful.

My choice wasn't that I was going to love and cherish him. I already did that. When he asked me to be his eternal companion, and I said yes, I made the choice to forgive and forget. Yes, I needed to forgive all of the people who contributed to my cynical views of marriage. But. I also needed to forgive him, and I needed to forgive me--not necessarily for the things we've done, but for the things we will do. People hurt each other. It happens. But it's what comes after the hurt that matters.

My choice was that I was going to love and cherish him even after I've been hurt. My choice was to wake up next to the same person everyday thinking, Today, I choose to be happy and love who you are.

My choice was to be willing to make a choice every day, knowing that I would need to make it every day.

And you know what? When it came down to it, the choice was easy. It didn't matter if he was the one. He is the one I chose, and, surprisingly, he chose me back.

He makes me laugh. 

He helps me look toward the future. 

He thinks about the things that I love. 

He kisses me as a physical manifestation of the affection he has for me. 

He lets me lean on him when I need a shoulder. 

He loves that I am passionate for something. 

He loves that I'm blunt and honest all the time. 

He lifts me up until I can't help but smile. 

He always wants to hold me. 

He loves me. 

Yeah, I made a good choice.
:)

cheers,
ka.

This is a list of important things.

I realize that I've been notably absent this summer. This probably should've been the summer when I wrote on this blog the most, but it really has been crazy busy.

I have returned a seasoned veteran of the interning world in Washington, D.C. (ha). It's been a summer of fun, work, and rain. Also, humidity. It's also been the best summer of my life. Good friends, great city, and the best love for which a girl could ask. Instead of relaying long stories (that most people probably won't find very interesting), I thought I'd make lists of random things I've learned. I'm going to organize the list by category, starting with my job:

1. As an intern, everyone is your boss. 
2. It's your job to prove to your boss that you are better than the last intern. 
3. The hours between 11 and 2 are always the hardest. STAY AWAKE. 
4. You only think you're starving because you're sitting at your desk and staring at your lunch. 
5. Not having any work to do is actually the worst.
6. You are the only one (boss included) who thinks it's worth it to stay up all night finishing citations for the Policy Report. 
7. If it's a salesman on the phone, just hang up, even if you think it's hurting his feelings. 
8. When using the copier, make sure that you have the right paper, lest an incidence where you print a copy on poster paper should occur. 
9. Label makers are only a little bit like toys. Mostly, they are for making professional labels. 
10. Also, as an intern, when someone needs a computer, yours is the first to go. It's OK. 

Now, for life on the East Coast: 

1. Taking lunch outside runs the risk of being attacked by fearless (rabid) squirrels and/or birds. 
2. Please. When on the escalator, walk left, and stand right. 
3. Food will always be expensive. It's best not to look at the prices. 
4. Don't stare at the men and women in professional clothing and worn-out tennis shoes when walking to work. They become uncomfortable. 
5. If you didn't pack an umbrella, pray that your office has ponchos. 
6. People don't talk on the metro. It's weird. 
7. Don't talk about your relationship in the ward. It's also weird. Then, you become that couple who everyone knows about because you're the only ones who were open about it. 
8. As a result of your boyfriend recognizing people's discomfort with displays of affection, he might say that he doesn't really want to hold hands on the way to work. Humor him for a while, and he'll eventually start holding your hand again because he just can't be without you. :) 
9. Unless it's too hot and both of your hands are sweaty. Then it's gross. 
10. "Beach" does not always equal "clean". In fact, it hardly ever does. When your boyfriend calls the Atlantic Ocean at Virginia Beach "vile" and "putrid," he can actually back that up with facts about ocean pollutants. "Beach" does, however, equal "fun". :) 

Humidity gets its own list: 

1. You will sweat, and you will feel gross. Resisting the urge to shower twice a day is sometimes futile. 
2. Lipstick will not dry. Warn your boyfriend, especially if you're meeting him in the middle of the day. 
3. Rain does not equal cool weather. Rain usually equals more humidity. Hence the term "soupy" weather. 
4. Whatever hair you were born with is the hair you will have, no matter how much hairspray or product you use. (For me, that means having lifeless, straight hair for eternity). 
5. Walking outside can sometimes replace an iron, which is a nice perk. 
6. Makeup always just melts off. It's better to wear as little as possible. 
7. Sometimes, you'll feel like you can't breathe. When that happens, high-tail it to the nearest building, where there will be air conditioning. 
8. However, because the air conditioning is always on, and you've been sweating outside for a half hour, prepare to be cold when your sweat works against you in the now cool environment. 
9. Just because you can't feel a spot where you're burning does not mean that you are exempt from a sunburn. 
10. Opening the window to cool down a building only makes it worse. Sometimes, it can make the Relief Society room smell like fish (don't ask). 

Last one. When in D.C.: 

1. Avoid the National Mall on the Fourth of July. It's overrun with stupid people. 
2. No, the National Mall is not a big shopping center. 
3. Remember that security is a big deal, and belt buckles do count as metal. 
4. Know what your political ideology is, but don't tell anyone unless it's really important. 
5. You have to be assertive for what you want, even if it's just a spot in line, or else you'll spend your life waiting. 
6. You'll be able to recognize tourists because they'll be wearing tennis shoes without a suit. 
7. Tour. Look around. You're in a city full of history, and there's nothing more interesting than learning about where you come from. 
8. Remember to give yourself enough time to spend in those tourist-y places. The Holocaust Museum will take AT LEAST three hours. 
9. Always go for the seats you want at a Nationals game, not the seats you have. 
10. There's always free food somewhere. Sometimes you'll be sad you didn't go to that DubStep concert, if only because they had awesome food. 

Last, but certainly not least, this is my advice for anyone having a summer adventure of their own: 

If you're anything like me, you'll miss it a lot. But the cool thing is that it'll still be there, waiting for you to return someday. 

I remember walking past the Capitol, and the Supreme Court, and the Library of Congress on my to the metro to go home after work and thinking, "is this real life?" Yes, it was. It was real life. Cool things happen to ordinary people all the time. It's all about seizing the opportunities when they come and appreciating them when they're gone.

Now, for some pictures:

The DC Temple! So beautiful. 

National Cathedral

Josh and his ugly tie. 

The Capitol on a beautiful evening walk home. 

My first Nationals game! 

Josh is adorable around children, and these children are even more adorable. 

In love with his birthday present... 

Senator Mary Landrieu and me at a luncheon for my work! 

My coworker, Ruth, preparing for a torrent of rain. 

This was a special date where we saw Man of Steel, walked around Georgetown, and at at Ray's III. Courtesy of me :) 

Aunt Bo and Porter, waiting at Dad's wedding reception. 

The Astle kids! 

Porter and his favorite Uncle Jonathon

This is the face that everyone should make when they see a pink and glittery water bottle at the Supreme Court gift shop. 

Fourth of July! We went the National Archives. 

Korean War Memorial

I told Josh to make a funny face, and this is what I got. Haha. 

We got a special dome tour of the Library of Congress! 

This pictures is pretty self-explanatory. 

Rockport Beach! 

Josh, Jonathon, and me being silly at Rockport Beach

Cute picture of Nan and Jonathon looking at the ocean

I'm sure missing my sister right now. 

I decided to give her a hug as a going away present :)

It took Jonathon about three tries to stop smiling for this picture. But, finally, he's kind of not smiling. Haha.

I have plenty more pictures, but I don't want to overload any of you with what I think are interesting photos, but are actually just me indulging myself. Haha.

Anyway. I miss D.C. A lot. But, as I said, I know I'll be back. I have a few things waiting for me there. In the mean time, I'll work hard, do well in school, and enjoy myself in Utah for a bit. A piece of my heart will always be there, though. Just be aware that when you travel, you leave a bit of yourself, and a bit of that place sticks with you. It's something I didn't know until I actually tried. I kind of like it.

cheers,
ka. 

I'm not just an intern.

One of my very favorite movies is Finding Neverland. Not only does it have a phenomenal score and take a look at a writer of literature, but it also addresses some pretty complex human tendencies and emotions. I love basically the whole movie, but I especially love this scene:



In case you didn't watch it because you are living in the fast-paced, "ain't-nobody-got-time-for-dat" kind of world, here is the most important dialogue:

Peter Llewelyn Davies: This is absurd. It's just a dog.

J.M. Barrie: Just a dog? *Just*?

[to Porthos]

J.M. Barrie: Porthos, don't listen!

[to Peter]

J.M. Barrie: Porthos dreams of being a bear, and you want to shatter those dreams by saying he's *just* a dog? What a horrible candle-snuffing word. That's like saying, "He can't climb that mountain, he's just a man", or "That's not a diamond, it's just a rock." Just.

It's so easy to think that what you do doesn't matter. It's so easy to get caught in the trap of thinking that you're only one, small, insignificant person. In my particular situation, it's really easy think about myself as "just an intern." I saw this Calvin and Hobbes comic a few months ago, and I posted it as my wallpaper for a while because it impacted me so much: 

We spend so much of our lives looking for a reason to be. At least, I know I do. I worry so much about fulfilling everything that I'm meant to do. I want to be successful. I have dreams that I would like to see realized. I don't want to disappoint anyone, especially myself. I've grown up with everyone I know telling me that I have "great things" in store--I have so much "potential."

Sometimes, it's hard to think about that when I'm doing things like making copies and labeling files. Don't get me wrong, I love my job. (No, it's still not paid, don't remind me.) I love being around a busy environment that is centered around an honorable cause, but it's hard to think about where I fit in. Most of the time, I send emails and check facts and update Twitter or Facebook. I posted something on our Facebook page that got 22 shares, and my boss was like, "Wow, that's pretty cool, Kolbie!" and I'm sitting there thinking, it's just a Facebook status.

Just. Isn't it funny how we can watch movies like Finding Neverland and become so inspired, and then when the time comes in our own lives to recognize our worth, we don't remember what we learned? I feel like I'm so good at telling everyone else how great they are and how much they matter and that they'll do great things with their life, and then when it comes to the self-talk thing, I get sucked into lecturing myself. Kolbie, you could be doing so much better. Kolbie, you need to work harder. Kolbie, you're not doing anything important. Kolbie, you're just an intern, the executive director is never going to notice you. 

Yes, Mr. Barrie. Labeling something as a "just" diminishes its light, its potential. "Candlesnuffing" is exactly the right word. 

Any potential that we might have to light someone else's fire is immediately stifled as soon as we put a limit on ourselves. There is no cap on personal success. There is no restriction on happiness. There is no gate we cannot breach if only we dream and work and dream some more. If you still can't think that way, remember that there is some truth to the phrase "fake it 'til you make it." As for me, instead of thinking about how menial some of the tasks I'm given are, I think about them as the most important. I make sure every label is perfectly straight. I send emails in record time. I answer the phone less than a second after it rings and make sure that it never gets to ring a second time. Actually, in my office, I have been dubbed "the phone ninja" because none of the other interns can answer it as fast as I can. 

No, I'm not just an intern. I'm the intern. My candle no longer snuffed by all of the things I could be doing, I am free to dream again. People notice when you have high aspirations and excellent work habits. This week, I helped to edit and revise the Annual Report that my organization sends to their Board, donors, and future donors. One of my supervisors turned to me and said, "You know Kolbie, now you can put on your resume 'Annual Report Editor.' Pretty cool, right?" 

I'm significant. I do things that matter. I will do things that matter. Josh told me once that he thinks my talents lie in the fact that I work hard even if the work isn't recognized. And I'm ok with that. If I'm going to be an intern, I'm going to be the best intern they have ever seen. I just have to remember that I'm not just anything. I am me. I am Kolbie. I am bright, happy, intelligent, creative, ethical, busy, loved. I work hard, and I do have dreams. That's the difference between a "just" something and an "incredible" something. 

Pictures of the last few weeks will be up soon. This is simply a reflection of the life I'm leading right now. It's a pretty great adventure, thus far. I know that there is only more to come. 

cheers, 

ka. 

This is where my life begins.

In the last few months, I've had some pretty cool opportunities come up in my life. The biggest one, though, is currently two days away from happening. I applied for a summer internship in Washington, D.C. about a month and a half ago, and two weeks ago, I interviewed and was offered the position. I mean, it's not like I'm going to be a huge person within this organization, and I'm only there until the end of the summer. But. When I think about how my life is suddenly spiraling out of the safety and control and comfort that (mostly) accompanied my adolescence and into the unknown future of my adult life, the butterflies start to invade my stomach. Growing up is scary. Honestly, the scariest part is also the most comforting part: it happens in parts, and each part seems like the "real" beginning.

I was talking to my friend about this the other day. You know when you look up some really successful person on Wikipedia, like Bill Gates or Steve Carrell, and realize that they were once an ordinary person who had an ordinary childhood? (Well, for the most part.) Then, they get some chance opportunity--maybe an audition or a low-level job. They work, then meet the right people, and then BAM! They're famous. The key, though, is that they didn't just... get there. They worked and started. They were brave and tried new things. They took risks. They accepted the low-level, unpaid internships because they knew that they had to start somewhere. I am at that age where my "somewhere" is right now.

My future is one big mystery at this point, with a whole lot of maybes and possiblys. Maybe I will be a writer for a magazine. I could possibly find an editing job. I may go to grad school in England. I could live abroad for the rest of my life. Or I could live in Utah for the rest of my life. Only one thing is for sure, though: I am living in Washington, D.C. for the next two and a half months. I am interning for a non-profit organization. I am taking online classes so I can graduate next spring. I am doing things. The summers of lazy days and Gilmore Girls marathons seem to be over. Even though that brings a twinge of sadness and a lot of chaos to my previous life of predictability, the prospect of a new life wholly overrides any fears that creep their way into my psyche.

What if, in twenty years, someone looks up my name on Wikipedia and sees this beginning? What if this story is what inspires some other 20-year-old girl to make something of her life?

Or, what if it doesn't do any of that?

Either way, this is where my life begins. Lives are lived one day at a time, right? One step each day for the next (approximately) 80 days will lead to the end of an internship and hopefully to the beginning of something else. I'm going to live my life with a little bit of fear and a lot of determination so that, when I have lived all of it, I can look back and be proud.

On that note, here are some pictures of my first summer adventures in the East:

My new shoes for my internship. Don't you think they look professional?  :)

Last hurrah before I left Utah. We even got to meet the band! (That will actually be a separate post. Stay tuned.)

My sorely depleted collection of clothing in D.C. I only had one checked bag, one carry-on, and one backpack to pack for a whole summer. 

Again, my shoe collection is woefully small due to a very small amount of space. I'm very attached to my shoes, and I left some of my favorites behind in favor of more practical choices. 

This is my Metro station. My apartment complex is called Crystal Plaza. 

My first day there, I met up with some friends (Steve and Zach) to traverse Washington. That's the Capitol. Obviously. 

This is quite literally twenty minutes after the pictures in front of the Capitol. The rain came and there was nothing anyone could do for my poor bangs. 

Reunited at long last. :) He has been in D.C. since May 6th. We ate at Good Stuff Eatery for dinner--delicious hamburgers and shakes! 

This is at the American History Museum. I think it's very interesting that the Typewriter was the object that brought women into the workplace. I may write more about this later. 

Josh, Steve, Zach, and I went on a little road trip to Philly. This is the Liberty Bell. 

Naturally, we had to get a Philly Cheesesteak. 

Do you think he's hungry?

This is the final resting place of Mr. Benjamin Franklin. You have to pay to go inside the cemetery. Suffice it to say that we settled for peeking through the gate. 

This is the room where the first and second Continental Congresses took place. Our nation's history is so fascinating! 

Independence Hall. 

Josh is being funny haha. But that is General George Washington in front of Independence Hall. 

I feel like this doesn't need a caption. 

Here we are in front of Washington's Headquarters in Valley Forge. Valley Forge is BEAUTIFUL. I, unfortunately, forgot my Cannon at my apartment before we left, so I didn't get to take as great of pictures. 

If any of you have seen Top Gear (UK), Jeremy, Richard, and James found this little city on one of their tours of the East Coast. Believe it or not, it is in Amish country. Josh and I couldn't resist taking a picture and sending it to Mom. 

Again, I only had my phone, so this picture didn't turn out exactly like I wanted. But this is a beautiful sunset in Amish country. If you look closely, you can see a horse-drawn cart. He's plowing the field. We went to an Amish restaurant, and the food was pretty fantastic. 

I'm already having so many adventures. I love being abroad and experiencing new things. I want to soak in every kind of culture I can for several reasons. I obviously love to explore, but I also love to love. In order for me to love everyone, I feel like I should try to understand them. Traveling and looking for opportunities to learn and grow from other people seems the best way for me to do that. Hopefully, I will be able to travel more and more as my life takes more steps forward.

cheers,
ka.